How to Make an anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work

Hi there!

The anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is notoriously challenging (and much more common than you might think). This dynamic can be primary in a partnership, but it can also show up in sneaky ways in relationships that typically feel secure and openly communicative. I have found in my experience working with couples and individuals in my therapy and coaching practices that the anxious-avoidant dynamic can arise any time one partner feels the other pulling away or approaching with intensity. This dynamic is one that attempts to create more closeness or increase space when disconnection or discomfort are present.

The first step in addressing this dynamic is noticing it and communicating about it in your partnership. Having common language for what is happening between you and your partner is important because it will allow you to talk about it in a way that isn’t blaming or judging the other person. The issue here is the dynamic between you, *not* you or your partner. This spaciousness can be exactly what you need to remember that you are a team in your relationship and ultimately, you want to feel connected and loving toward each other.

Here are some questions to explore individually and together:

• What does the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic look like for us?

• How do I know we are moving toward this dynamic? What do I notice in my body? What do I notice in my partner? (remember to stay observational here—it’s easy to move into judgements or criticisms, but the goal is to identify the clear signs so you can reroute rather than follow the old pattern)

• Can we name this dynamic so that we can call it out while it’s happening or about to happen?

The next element of rewiring the anxious-avoidant relationship pattern is to bring as much compassion as possible to both your partner and the relationship as a whole. This dynamic arises when we begin to feel disconnected from our partner. Even people with the avoidant attachment style want to stay connected and feel safe in their relationship. For them, disconnection or “threat” looks different but is valid and important to notice. Our brain registers serious disconnection as an emergency because we are wired to be in relationship with others. When our relationship with our partner feels threatened, we usually revert to our old relationship blueprint (usually the type of relationship dynamics you had with your primary caregiver) and attempt to obtain proximity to our partner OR move away to reduce your sense of overwhelm. This is a time to remember that we all come by our attachment styles honestly and we don’t choose our attachment styles—so when we feel emotionally triggered, it’s not because we want to be!

Once you and your partner are able to talk openly and clearly about your relationship dynamic with compassion and empathy for one another, you will be able to utilize tools, exercises, and strategies to support you both in rerouting this relational pattern and creating a dynamic that feels more connected. In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, we talk about the importance of getting under the surface of the relational dynamic so we can understand the needs of each partner as well as the “raw spots” that are being triggered during moments of conflict and disconnection.

For example, for a partner with the anxious style, they may utilize criticism, a harsh tone of voice, or “pick a fight” with their partner when this dynamic is occurring. What we know is that these behaviors are actually an attempt to provide proximity or closeness with the partner—because even though they may be arguing, at least they are communicating and the other partner is turned toward them. For people on the avoidant end of the attachment spectrum, we might see deactivating strategies including pulling away, minimizing conflict, shutting down, or even walking away. This is not because they don’t ultimately want connection, but because the dynamic feels so intense and they are anticipating disconnection or even the end of the relationship, so checking out or stepping away preemptively feels like the best or most familiar choice in that moment.

Understanding your own attachment style and your relationship patterns is critical when you are working with the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Even if your partner isn’t quite ready to address their relational patterns, the more security you can bring to your relationship, the more you will see shifts in this particular dynamic. You and your partner may also benefit from some guidance around utilizing attachment theory in your partnership as well as exercises geared toward reconnecting.

I have so much hope for the anxious-avoidant dynamic. I know it is often demonized and regarded as a dynamic that isn’t sustainable in relationships, and I understand why people believe this is true. However, I believe the missing pieces are a deep understanding of attachment theory and supports that provide a compassionate lens for everyone involved in the partnership. I am here to support you in any way I can! I believe in you and your relationship.

Warmly,

Elizabeth