Why “never date an avoidant” is terrible advice for most of us (and what to do instead)
Hello!
If you are familiar with attachment theory, I feel confident you have heard this advice before: “whatever you do, don’t date an avoidant person. They can’t connect, they will ghost you, and they will just hurt you in the end.”
Does that sound familiar to you?
Our culture has villainized people with the avoidant attachment style (and it doesn’t help when some of the most popular books about attachment theory take this perspective as well) and in my experience as a therapist, coach, and mentor, I can tell you that this approach to dating and relationships doesn’t work.
First, this approach makes it very clear that there is a significant misunderstanding about what it means to have the avoidant attachment style. People with this style were typically not “seen” for who they were when they were growing up. Even if they had parents who loved them, as children, they likely felt as though they were not able to be their true, full selves. Their parents may have had high expectations of them or expressed a lot of disappointment in them, causing the child to learn to hide their “real” selves and learn how to self-protect against vulnerability, hurt, and shame. They may also have had parents who were harsh or unwelcoming. When this happens, children must learn how to adapt to their environments. Adapting is not a choice—it is necessary in order to continue to survive in the circumstances they are provided with, and also necessary to protect the attachment system that we are all born with.
If a child or teenager (or even early adult) is not able to be who they are in the world, if they aren’t able to be tender or sensitive or loving or receive the care that we all deserve as human beings, they must learn how to create appropriate defenses and barriers to the harshness, hurt, neglect, or lack of care that they receive instead. I think it’s really important that we sit with this for some time—that we recognize the gravity of these types of situations. In somatic attachment work, we understand this process as “pruning back”: if we don’t use the loving connections we are born with in the world, they must be cut back to preserve energy and self-protect. That’s what happens for people with the avoidant style.
Initial avoidance is definitely not a choice. When people enter into adult relationships (if they feel safe enough to do so), they may be eager to connect because they didn’t receive that connection consistently when they were younger—and we are designed to connect with other people (social connection is a basic need). Once they realize that relationships require vulnerability and trust, they become overwhelmed, typically because they don’t have the tools and skills to be able to cope with the emotions of deep connection, and their most reliable way of managing their feelings is by disconnecting or ending the relationship. This behavior is called deactivation.
The reality is that we all have some avoidant parts. Even if we have a primarily secure or anxious attachment style, there are times where our avoidant part can become activated and we adapt to those situations by emotionally shutting down, checking out, or physically leaving the circumstances that create stress.
I have learned that people who have the anxious attachment style tend to be more vocal about the pain and disconnection they experience in relationships, not because their experience is truly more painful than the other attachment styles, but because expressing frustration about not feeling seen, heard, and appreciated is in alignment with the anxious style. People with the anxious style have learned to be direct, clear, and sometimes even critical when their emotional needs are not met, which is why I believe there are many articles on the internet about the importance of avoiding avoidant folks at all costs and only dating secure people. While I appreciate this idea in theory, in practice, it is likely to be much more messy and complicated because people are not just “anxious” or “avoidant” or “secure”; they are human, and their experiences are unique, just like their individual attachment styles.
As someone who has worked with many people around their attachment styles, relational patterns, and ways to show up well in partnerships, this is the advice I would give instead of “don’t date avoidant people”:
Work on your own emotional triggers. Notice what upsets you in dating relationships and partnerships, and check in with yourself about where those feelings are coming from. Learn to communicate your needs in a way that is effective, direct, and calm.
Get clear on how you are participating in the relational patterns you witness in your life. Do you usually find yourself feeling like people don’t communicate with you enough? Do you wish your closest people were more engaged in their relationship with you? Finding the patterns in your relationship will help you understand yourself better and also help you recognize what types of relationships you gravitate toward.
Learn strategies to self-soothe any anxious tendencies that arise.
Access resources that are inclusive, compassionate, and practical for relationships.
Reach out for support and work with a coach or therapist who understands attachment theory if you get stuck or frustrated.
I believe that any advice that encourages you to not interact with a huge percentage of the population is probably not advice you can really apply consistently. Learning how to work with your patterns, bring compassion to your relationships, set appropriate boundaries, and communicate clearly will be much more worth your time and energy—for yourself and your future partnerships.
Warmly,
Elizabeth